When searching for parent advice, one of the top things I always see is “offer choices” or “give them multiple options”. Recently, I’ve also been seeing that it doesn’t work for people. So why could that be? When behavior experts are telling you to offer choices, they aren’t giving you the full rundown of what to do when it doesn’t work perfectly the first time (which it rarely does).
So you tell your kid they can either do the dishes or vacuum? Maybe you ask which shirt they want to wear to help them get dressed. Problem is, they don’t want any of it. An option isn’t going to suddenly motivate them when they hate all the choices!
What do we do?
Well first, accept that it’s not a magic pill to fix everything. Rarely does anything we change fix things immediately.
Second, we can still offer the choices but follow it up with a offer for a reward. “After you get dressed, you can have a little bit of play time, so what shirt would you like to wear?”
Next, if they don’t make a choice, you make it for them. You can be very clear “if you don’t choose, I will”. Give them a couple minutes to ponder, and then you make the choice.
Finally, you HAVE to follow through on it. If you make a choice and they suddenly say “no! I want the other option!” it’s up to your discretion if you want to let them change what you decided or not, but stay consistent in that. I usually tell them it’s too late, and they can choose next time but either way, you have to make sure they do what you’ve asked them to do.
Other Tips:
- Offer just 2-3 things at one time. If your child is a toddler, keep it only 2. Too many choices makes things overwhelming
- Acknowledge when they do make a choice without a fight. It could be as simple as “wow that’s great choice, thank you!” or “you did a great job making that choice!”
- Remember, it will get easier. When we change things, everyone needs time to adjust. It’s still important to offer choices to help them learn to. make their own decisions, even when it seems like it’s really hard in the moment.
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