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What to do After Conflict with Your Child

The most important thing you can do after conflict with your child is to repair. But there’s a specific thing to avoid doing when repair occurs.

And, what NOT to do

Mother talking seriously to daughter with arms crossed in living room
A mother is talking firmly to her daughter in the living room during a disagreement

Kids of any age are bound to have some big emotions they don’t know what to do with. It’s tough on everyone. The child feels out of control and sometimes, as parents, we feel incredibly overstimulated and upset by their behavior. Even in our best attempts to stay calm and regulated, we can still feel pretty bad after meltdowns. I imagine our kids feel pretty bad too, even if they seem like they’re totally over it.

The most important thing you can do after you and your child have conflict, meltdowns, and big emotional eruptions is to come back together and repair. This is so important so our kids know they are loved and to build back the sense of safety. While this sounds great, it may not be as easy in reality, especially if we’re still feeling dysregulated.

In general, a good way to repair is to give them a hug, tell them you love them, and do something they like to do. This could be an opportunity to chat about what happened but even if you aren’t talking a lot, it’s nice to share the space so your child knows you’re there for them. This can be offering to play a game with them, having a snack together, or watching their favorite show with them. The goal is to do something together and then maybe the door will open up to talk about what happened. (Note: Talking in depth about what happened may not be appropriate or necessary for really small kids).

Remember, this is a time to come together. This is not a time to tell your child all of the things they did wrong. Even if they are willing to talk about what happened right away, keep a focus on what they (and you) can do differently next time. This takes away a punitive “vibe” and instead replaces it with learning. You can model and say what you feel badly about and what you think you could have handled better. Keep it an open discussion and value their input. Apologize when appropriate and don’t force your child to say they are sorry.

Overall, we ALWAYS want to focus on what we can and should do versus what someone did wrong.

And, we’re not always going to get it right. Make sure your child knows how loved and cared for they are and you’ll all be alright.