A question we all ask ourselves a billion times a day it seems. Why, oh why, is my child acting like this?! You swear you’ve raised them better, set better boundaries, done all the things right…and then they act like you’ve never disciplined them in their life.
Why? Well, to put it simply, because they learned they get something from it. Maybe it’s your calming voice and hugs, or a big reaction, a toy or snack they wanted, or even because they got out of doing something they didn’t want to do. This is why any of us does anything.
So, what do we do about it? First, we figure out what they are getting out of the behavior. Look at your own behavior here. Are you consoling them? Are you yelling? Are you giving them whatever they wanted just to make it stop? This is the time to take a good honest look at your self.
Once you figure out why they are doing it, then you can figure out what to teach them instead. We don’t want to punish the behavior, we want to teach them a new skill to get what they are wanting. Punishing may stop the behavior but it’s not teaching them anything. BUT… the tricky part is, lots of skills go into these types of things.
For example:
Are they screaming because you’re on the phone and not giving them attention? Teach them how to tolerate it by practicing with short phone calls and loads of love and affection after. (Here you are teaching them to wait, to occupy themselves with something else, and to ask calmly for you if they need you).
Throwing a fit because they want a toy their sibling has? Teach them to ask for it nicely and then wait for it until it’s their turn. (Here you are teaching them to ask, stay calm, and wait)
I realize these examples are easier said than done but my main point is that it takes a lot of different skills to learn in most scenarios. We don’t want to simply take away the thing they want because they were bad. We want to teach them how to get it in a more reasonable way.
Need help? Reach out! I’m happy to work things out with you!
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